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"International Pun Contest" ?

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One frigid winter it grew so cold that the front door banged open and in came Frosty, much to the delight of the children! They laughed, they played, they colored magnificent pictures--but no sooner did they hang them on the wall than the door burst open once again and Father Winter entered, scowling. He filled his lungs and with a great WHOOSH he sent the pictures scattering. "But why?" asked a dismayed Frosty, shielding the children with the bulk of his body. "Because," roared Father Winter. "It is my duty to coldly blow where snowmen have drawn before!"

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Thanks Alan, I love a good pun.

Still a big fan of...

Two birds sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "can you smell fish"?

and

A rabbit goes into a sandwich shop and orders two toasted sandwiches, one ham, one cheese. He eats them both and drops dead. An onlooker says "what's up with him", to which the shopkeeper replies. "Mixing-me-toasties"

Matt

Edited by MattPage

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Sounds like a headline alert:

"Pundaemonium, as Pundits Punish Punks with Pungent Pun-upmanship" or something of that sort ...

I was planning to become a plumber, but that was just a pipe dream.

I was going to study to become a mortician, but I realized that it was a grave undertaking, and the corse-work would bury me; besides, the market is so dead.

I wanted to become a geologist; I must have had rocks in my head.

I began my college career as a chemist, but I reacted badly to it.

I wanted to become a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it.

I wanted to become a scuba diver, but it was just too deep for me.

Count Dracula one night decided that he had had enough of flying around biting people, and resolve to stay at home and engage in less sanguinary activities. He tried a bit of this and that, until he found that he had a knack for poetry. He settled down to write, and at first nobody paid much attention, but word got around. Eventually everybody knew about it; the general consensus was summed up in the saying by one old villager, that "The count, he just keeps going from bat to verse ... ".

How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve; one to change the bulb, and eleven to hang out and groove on the experience.

To someone who hates wildebeests, I would suppose that "no gnus is good gnus".

Did you hear about the band which played a gig at the Organic Chemists' Society meeting? It was called "Ester and the Ketones".

There are more where those came from, so beware!

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Hey, I needed to throw in a curve or something to be certain that the reader would stay awake ... cool.gif

Anyway, a few more:

Did you hear the joke about the sheep? You don't really want to, because it's baad ...

Or the one about the chickens - it's fowl ...

Or the one about the oil - it's crude ...

Then there's the nitwit who tried to chow down on dynamite, because he wanted a mind-blowing experience.

A name for a sudden gathering of irritating blondes: an outbreak of bimbonic plague.

I had better quit before I get "punch-drunk"

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*groans* ... *laughs* ... *groans again*

Man, puns are so lame. Why am I doing this?

A rope walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes in this bar." The rope walks outside and ties himself into a knot and gives musses up his hair. He walks back in and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

even worse...

Having just bought a new pair of boots, Roy Rogers was on his way out of town when a moutain lion attacked him and made off with his boots. The next day, Roy was walking through town when a the sheriff spotted the mountian lion on a hill. He turns to Roy and says, "Say there, Roy, it that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" (to be sung to the tune of "Chattanooga Choo-choo")

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A good pun is its own reword, I always say!

There was a tribe inhabiting one of the Philippine islands that was not aware of any life outside of their own little island until the U.S. Navy set up a base there during World War II. They stayed well hidden and out of the way of the men assigned to this post. When the war ended much of the base was left intact and the villagers then came out to investigate. They were fascinated by much of what they saw but what was elevated to a reverential status were the various white thrones scattered about the base. It seemed that these thrones were to be revered as they were singular in nature and had their own private rooms. The people of the island were fascinated and they figured out a way to unhook them from their base and carried them all to their village.

The chief was the natural choice to be the keeper of the thrones as their glossy white surface could not be placed in any of the lowly huts in the village. This being the case the chiefs hut was soon filled with these curious seats and he was forced to store them in the storage area at the top of his hut. And this he did successfully for many years. Until one day a strong wind bagan to blow across the island. The rains came and the waves beat the shore. After what seemed like several days the storm subsided and the weathered villagers emerged from their huts. Many were damaged but the biggest tragedy of all was realized when they came upon the remains of the chiefs hut. Yes, the thrones themselves proved to be his demise as the weight of them succumbed to the fierce wind. The hut gave way and the chief was crushed beneath the weight of his great prize.

Which goes to show you that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

and Jeff Kolb, if you don't post your one about the lions I'll be forced to share it with the world.

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