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interrupting the knock, knock...

But go to google and put in weapons of mass destruction. Instead of hitting the search button, hit the I'm feeling lucky button. Then read the error message.

A foreign movie can't be stupid.

-from the film

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Oh, you've heard it already. [ba dum, dum.]

That joke stolen from Mike Leigh's "The Short and Curlies." (The mamma interlude is not there, obviously.) This next joke stolen from Mike Leigh's Home Sweet Home:

What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark-infested custard.


Metalfoot on Emmanuel Shall Come to Thee's Noel: "...this album is...monotony...bland, tripy fare..."

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I know all my Harry Potter-related posts are starting to get annoying, but this is the last one, I swear!

Check out 345 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. For those of you who don't like Potter, many of them can be applied to any teacher (or any other person).

My favourites:

32. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.

42. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (ie: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!')

16. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the whomping willow'

23. Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a

wonderful wit, but can also sing.'

73. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is.

93. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!'

104. Offer to 'bewitch his mind and ensnare his senses.'

120. Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'

124. 'Forget healing potions, Sir! Lets bottle some fame!'

129. Launch into a hearty rendition of the B-52s 'Love Shack' anytime he needs to go anywhere near Hagrid's hut.

135. Ask him at what age his hair 'lost it's natural lustre and shine?'

138. Let him catch you pretending your wand is a light-sabre. Ask him if he wants to be Obi-Wan or Han Solo. Offer to show him how to make the correct 'sabre-sounds'.

140. Ask when he's 'gonna get to the brewing glory part?'

158. Weep openly when he gives you detention.

168. For the duration of each meal, jump out of your seat at random moments, dash up to the high table and ask if he wants anything on that, waving condiments madly.

176. Ask him everyday if he'll show you 'that stopper-in-death trick, that sounded neat.'

190. Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run.

195. 'Prozac, sir?'

198. Lie down in puddles and beg him to step on you rather than get his feet soggy.

213. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.

215. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself.

216. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like you sir!'.

230. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?'

278. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They contain clues.'

286. At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.

289. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you!

"D*** it sir, never say Commonwealth to me-

say EM-PAH!"

-An overenthusiastically Anglophilic Canadian general to an American

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dwayne the bathtub, please.

Should that not be "pwease"? Otherwise, I don't get it. :roller:

"During the contest trial, the Coleman team presented evidence of a further 6500 absentees that it felt deserved to be included under the process that had produced the prior 933 [submitted by Franken, rk]. The three judges finally defined what constituted a 'legal' absentee ballot. Countable ballots, for instance, had to contain the signature of the voter, complete registration information, and proper witness credentials.

But the panel only applied the standards going forward, severely reducing the universe of additional basentees the Coleman team could hope to have included. In the end, the three judges allowed about 350 additional absentees to be counted. The panel also did nothing about the hundreds, possibly thousands, of absentees that have already been legally included, yet are now 'illegal' according to the panel's own ex-post definition."

The Wall Street Journal editorial, April 18, 2009 concerning the Franken Coleman decision in the Minnesota U.S. Senate race of 2008.

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Some from British (and Christian) comedian Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull

a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".

I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".

He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack

myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds

later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the

factory that makes them. The fire brigade have tried everything.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was

Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest

to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night

before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said

"Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,

this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit


So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red

rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for

a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition

and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will

give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your

carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic


So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he

said "Not you again".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's


I saw a bloke playing "Dancing Queen" on the digeredoo. I thought "thats


and some more from another Brit Harry Hill

Of course, if you drop a bible from a height, you can kill a Field Mouse. So maybe the bible isn't all good?

The trouble with Heroin ... It's ever so slightly moreish!

Well, my aunt used to tell me "What you can't see can't hurt you". Well, she died of radiation poisoning a few months back...

Well, I was saying to someone the other day that technically the weight of an object largely relies on its position in the Earth's gravitational tear, to which they replied, "Look, you haven't won the cake. Please move away from the stall!"

Horses are what glue is made from which is a bit odd because if you touch a horse, they're not that sticky are they?

My dad used to say: always fight fire with fire, and that's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

I put my spectacles on for the first time and the insults started, you know, "four-eyes!", "goggle box!" "joe 90!" To which I replied, "look, you're not the only opticians around here!"

My nan had a picture of the United Kingdom tatooed over her whole body. Some people think its weird but you can say what you like about my nan, at least you knew where you were with her

Isn't it annoying when you get so attached to your hostages you almost kind of don't want the ransom to be payed?

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  • 4 weeks later...
As long as we keep it clean, this thread might be a good place to share jokes.

Odd that you don't see so many religious jokes. One can always borrow another and force fit it to suit; that is, as it were, old jokes and older jokes:


A lawyer died, same day as the Pope, and both went to heaven.

But then the lawyer was given better clothes. He was given a mansion in which to live. He was given a five course meal. The Pope was given a room in a nice hotel, and a continental breakfast.

So the lawyer said to the angel, "There's been some confusion. This man who was Pope gets standard fare. And, myself, who's been a lawyer, I'm getting everything and more."

And the angel said, "Yes, that's true. There have been more than one Pope in Heaven. But we've never had a lawyer."


A man received a phone call from his pastor, who said, "I have some bad news and some worse news."

The man asked, "What's the bad news?"

The pastor said, "I'm back from my trip earlier than I expected."

The man replied, "And the worse news?"

"I picked up a new joke for the sermon, tonight."


A pastor returned to his old college to look up a former professor. As he was waiting, he saw a copy of an exam sitting on the desk. And picking it up, he thought it looked very familiar. And it hit him. It looked like the same exam that he himself had been given back in his college days. The professor came in, said hello. and had an explanation. Indeed, the test may have been the same one. But the answers would now be entirely different.

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About the only religious joke I know might offend some sensibilities here (in fact, most jokes I know fall into this category) so I offer up the following:

Knock knock

Who's there


Euripedes who

Euripedes trousers you pay for these trousers

*big belly laugh*

Sorry sad.gif I know worse ones.

Edited by gigi

"There is, it would seem, in the dimensional scale of the world a kind of delicate meeting place between imagination and knowledge, a point, arrived at by diminishing large things and enlarging small ones, that is intrinsically artistic" - Vladimir Nabokov

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Q: What do you call a charismatic at an auction?

A: Broke.



"God is so great and merciful that he does not require that we name him precisely. God is even willing to be anonymous for a time. Remember how God led the Three Wise Men from the East to Christ? The Wise Men did not know the God of Israel or Jesus. They worshipped the stars. So God used a star to lure them."--The Twelve Steps for Christians


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OK. One more.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."


"God is so great and merciful that he does not require that we name him precisely. God is even willing to be anonymous for a time. Remember how God led the Three Wise Men from the East to Christ? The Wise Men did not know the God of Israel or Jesus. They worshipped the stars. So God used a star to lure them."--The Twelve Steps for Christians


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