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#1 SDG

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Posted 22 September 2009 - 10:44 AM

From the Things Kids Say thread:

QUOTE (MLeary @ Sep 22 2009, 10:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hm. Even PTCs forum ninja skillz can't wrestle up some 5DG snippets? I honestly don't remember that thread.

It's probably findable on Archive.org, and it's possible our departed overlord has backups somewheres, but I don't think he'd care to dig for them.

It was brilliant, freaking brilliant, a banter-fest morphing into a piece of performance art crossed with that famous tandem story by Rebeca and Gary (of which there are lots of redactions online, mostly adding obscenities and/or favoring Gary or Rebecca; the link above is, by my Redaktiongeschichte, the most original and funniest version), with Dale and I each one-upping each other in our war over the urban/rural ratio of New Jersey, then finally directly co-opting one another's identities in completely different ways.

It is one of the most perfect things that has ever happened to me.

And here is another.

Bear with me. I must first introduce you to my friend N. This is worth it, I promise.

To get an idea of N, start with See-Threepio. Thin, polite, veddy proper, clipped Oxonian accent (mother English, father Irish), a little fastidious, nervous laugh. Smart, knowledgeable, a bottomless pit of information (reference librarian). Anglican convert to Catholicism; an important person in my and Suz's assimilation to the Church.

That's a bit of a caricature, but it'll do for the story.

One day N was driving with a friend near our apartment in Philadelphia, and they decided to stop by. He hadn't called, and we didn't know he was coming, but of course we wouldn't have minded the imposition -- and he knew that, but even so he felt a bit awkward about arriving uninvited and unannounced at a friend's house, and all the more with a friend in tow.

As the two of them came up the walk to our apartment door, N's discomfort increased. As it happens, N's extended family includes Jehovah's Witnesses, and the picture of the two of them approaching our unsuspecting door apparently seemed to him an uncomfortably similar picture to a pair of JWs cold-calling on the neighbors.

So, when I opened the door, N decided to defuse the perceived tension with a joke, and said brightly,

"Hi! We're from your local Kingdom Hall, and we'd like to talk to you about living forever in paradise on earth!"

I cannot describe to you the surreal, world-shattering effect this speech had on me. For a moment, I simply didn't know what to think. Obviously I knew N hadn't left the Church to join the J-Dubs, but beyond that I was simply paralyzed by cognitive dissonance.

He wouldn't -- he of all people. And anyway, he couldn't -- the slider shades were drawn; the living room wasn't visible from the walk. Why...? How...?

And then it slowly dawned on me that it was merely an accident, and all I could get out was,

"Don't. Joke."

And then I turned around, sat back down,

and

went back to the conversation I was having with the two Jehovah's Witnesses on my living room couch.

N and his friend stood at the door in utter silence, as motionless as Swiss Guards. As the J-Dubs rose to leave, there was hand-shaking at the door between our two groups of guests; one of the J-Dubs even made a joke about always being glad to meet someone from another Kingdom Hall, while N smiled robotically and laughed his nervous laugh.

The moment the door was closed he collapsed on the floor with a wail of abject abasement.

I swear I am not making this up.

Edited by SDG, 22 September 2009 - 10:57 AM.


#2 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 22 September 2009 - 11:32 AM

That, that is The Greatest Story Ever Told.

Dale

#3 M. Leary

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Posted 22 September 2009 - 12:31 PM

monalisa.gif

#4 Phill Lytle

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 08:07 AM

That is one of the funniest things I have read in years.

#5 Phill Lytle

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:55 PM

This is a real story. It's not as funny as the previous story, but it is completely true.

This happened to my brother - Dave.

It was his first or second year of college. He was planning on meeting a few of his friends at a local theater. He had very little money ($2) and was hoping that he could borrow a few bucks from one of his friends. Unfortunately, when he arrived, everyone had already gone inside. So, he turned around and went back to his car.

The car was parked a little ways away and the parking lot wasn’t very well lit. A tall young man approached him and asked him for the time. My brother told him the approximate time (Dave didn't have a watch either) and turned back to get in his car. As he was about to turn around, the young man pulled out a gun from his coat, pointed it at Dave, and told him to get out his wallet. The gun was pointed low, uncomfortably close to his crotch (my brother's words - not mine). Anyway, he took out the wallet, gave it to him, and he looked through it. He was obviously disappointed with what Dave had in there. He asked, “You don’t have any credit cards or anything?” Dave apologized for not having anything for him.

The guy then handed Dave his wallet and turned around to walk away. At that point, I’m not sure what came over Dave, but instead of looking in his wallet he decided to ask him if he took the $2.00. The mugger turned around and said, “Yeah, but its just $2.00. You can have it back.” He handed back the $2 and walked away.

Dave went back to school and framed those $2.
.


#6 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 02:29 PM

That story was not quite as awesome as Steve's, but still very awesome.

I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blasé by the time I was done with it.

So instead I want to hear SDG tell again the story of his second high school graduation.

Dale

Edited by M. Dale Prins, 23 September 2009 - 02:30 PM.


#7 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 02:35 PM

QUOTE (M. Dale Prins @ Sep 23 2009, 02:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blasé by the time I was done with it.

For example, here's my version of Steve's story above exactly as I would tell it:
QUOTE (5DG)
So I knew this guy named N. And one day when I had these Jehovah's Witness at my house, I answered the door and it was N. pretending to be a Jehovah's Witness. But the weird thing is, N. didn't know that there were Jehovah's Witnesses at my house. So it was a strange coincidence.


Yeah. Yep.

Dale

#8 SDG

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 02:53 PM

Phil, great story.

QUOTE (M. Dale Prins @ Sep 23 2009, 03:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blasé by the time I was done with it.

Dale, how can you say that about yourself? We who remember the gem-like mini-narratives of your Yo Mama jokes know the Shavian pithiness to which your wit turns.

QUOTE
So instead I want to hear SDG tell again the story of his second high school graduation.

Ha. That is a good one. Okay, here it is, from my Catch Me if You Can review:

The week after I graduated from high school, I went through a second high-school graduation at a neighboring high school, using a fictitious name. For no particular reason — just as a lark.

It wasn’t hard. I was at the high school hanging out with a friend whose graduation date was a week after mine, and I ended up going through the commencement rehearsals with him. It was a large class, and no one knew everyone else, and during rehearsals students lining up to proceed to the podium would simply whisper their names to an announcer who would then repeat the names into a microphone. During practice, I gave the name "Glenn Kaiser" (which actually belonged to the front man of a Chicago-based religious rock band I followed at the time).

Then, after three days of rehearsals, I thought it would be fun to actually graduate.

Of course I needed a cap and gown. They weren’t hard to get. I went to the teacher who had access to them and explained, truthfully enough, that I hadn’t been issued a cap and gown. Apparently concluding that I must be have been blacklisted for failing to return textbooks or pay library fines, the teacher took me to the main office and asked for my name. Unsurprisingly, the blacklist didn’t include a Glenn Kaiser — or a Steven Greydanus for that matter — so he gave me a cap and gown. Apparently, it never occurred to him to check whether there was any Glenn Kaiser registered at the school.

So, on graduation day, I walked across the podium in front of thousands of parents, shook the superintendent’s hand, received an empty diploma cover (the actual diplomas were handed out later upon return of the cap and gown), and walked off past mystified graduates whispering after me, "Who are you?"

Incidentally, of all those in attendance, only one person, a junior acting as an usher, recognized the name of Glenn Kaiser, knew that there was no such student in the senior class, and looked up in astonishment to see me walking across the podium. Six years later, I married her.
There.

Dale, I don't think you should get off so easy. Phil's contribution is a great addition, since one story does not get a ball rolling, and it would be nice to see this thread become yet another contender for Best Thread Ever. But you must have one good yarn in you. (Perhaps a self-humiliating one. That might bring out the storyteller's heart in you.)

#9 Phill Lytle

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 03:10 PM

Another great story! I can't believe you pulled that off.

#10 opus

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 03:37 PM

Brilliant, SDG!

#11 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 03:50 PM

QUOTE (SDG @ Sep 23 2009, 02:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (M. Dale Prins @ Sep 23 2009, 03:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blasé by the time I was done with it.

Dale, how can you say that about yourself? We who remember the gem-like mini-narratives of your Yo Mama jokes know the Shavian pithiness to which your wit turns.

[Overly theatrical sigh] Okay. Fine. I'll try.

This was quite a few years back. I was working my way through college moonlighting as a plumber -- fixing faucets, finding leaks, pretty easy stuff as plumbing goes. Sometimes it was just me working by myself, and sometimes it was with my brother. It was...money, I guess. Not fun, really, but better than $5/hour at McDonalds.

Anyway, one day I get a call. It was from a very, very prominent man in the community we were in -- so powerful they actually called him "The King." (Yes, "The King.") He said he had a very serious plumbing emergency and that it was extremely important that both of us get over to his house right away. I kind of hemmed and hawwed, and I basically said that if the problem was as serious as he said it was, he would probably be better served by getting someone more experienced. He says no, I know you two will be the best men for the job. Fine. Okay. We'll come over.

So we go to his house. "What's the problem," I ask. "Toilet backed up? Sink not draining?"

"Pipes," he said.

"What about them?"

"Down the pipes."

"Yes, I got that. But what specifically..."

"He took her. Down the pipes."

"Bees are in the what now?"

"I...I...there was this green...something, throwing knives or something at us. He...he took my daughter. He took her down the pipes. He...you must find her! You must find her!"

"Um, I think I need to get going now, so..."

"You must find her!"

Anyway, in this town you don't say no to The King, so long story short, after a great deal of searching (and having to confront that green figure eight times), my brother and I were were finally able to rescue The King's daughter and bring her back home. She was very grateful, and in fact she actually helped my brother and me out in another adventure not so long after (along with our mutual friend T. who always wears a mushroom hat). But that's a story for another time...

Dale

Edited by M. Dale Prins, 23 September 2009 - 10:11 PM.


#12 Phill Lytle

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 03:59 PM

Mr. Prins, what you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent post were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this forum is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Just kidding. That was very funny. I was stuck between belief and incredulity for most of it but the "throwing knives" part just sealed the deal for me. Awesome!


#13 MattPage

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 04:29 PM

: Six years later, I married her.

That last line is very Ebertian

Great story though.

Matt

#14 Rich Kennedy

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 06:01 PM

This happened today.


I'm running a cash register these days, no responsibility, not much stress (I'm overloaded with both at church, so this is perfect). I run the busiest line right close to the Service Desk. A heavily dressed woman comes through my line with a head covering and an accent (some Fall so far, humidity is so bad you feel like you are swimming through the lot to your car, 75 to 85 Fahrenheit). Basically, her outfit screams real conservative Moslem. Women like this do not interact with men above minimal necessity despite my constant attempts to make them feel welcome.

I ask if she has a "Kroger Card" when she suggests that a particular item is on sale for a REAL good price (my term for this story). She says 'No' and I tell her that is how she gets the good price. She wants one but I'm out of applications, so I shout over the mere 15 feet to the Desk, "May I have a Kroger Card application? This poor woman is without one!" My customer starts to giggle and in heavily accented English shouts out, "Yes! Poor woman. So, so sad." and gestures tears running down her cheeks as she laughs.


WOW! First time. Ever. And I talk up everybody and anybody. Always have at Kroger.

#15 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 10:11 PM

QUOTE (Phill Lytle @ Sep 23 2009, 03:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Mr. Prins, what you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent post were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this forum is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Thank you so much for asking God to give me mercy! I love God's mercy!
QUOTE
I was stuck between belief and incredulity for most of it but the "throwing knives" part just sealed the deal for me. Awesome!

I was actually wondering if anyone would "understand" it, although I figured the last parenthetical would be a dead giveaway. ("Mushroom hat? Mushroom hat??? Ooooooohhhh!")

Dale

#16 Persona

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 10:16 PM

I once beat up a car wash. I kid you not, true story. I beat the crap out of that car wash. I know some of you know this is true. Others can ask my wife if you don't believe me. It was years ago, but it is true I swear.

#17 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 10:33 PM

Poor, poor innocent car wash. All it ever wanted to do was clean.

Dale

#18 metalfoot

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Posted 24 September 2009 - 08:09 AM


Hey, Dale, I didn't know you were a Mario brother.

#19 SDG

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Posted 24 September 2009 - 10:45 AM

I've been cracking up at Rich's story for the last 18 hours. (Not, you know, continuously or anything.) What a great moment, such an unexpected connection.

Dale: I take back all the nice things I said about you in, but not limited to, this thread. (But thanks to metalfoot for the interpretive key.)

#20 M. Dale Prins

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Posted 24 September 2009 - 12:36 PM

I tried, Steve. I really did. But the problem is that everything I think of is like an article for The Onion where you see the headline and you laugh and laugh and laugh and then you read the rest of the story and you're like, huh, that really didn't bring the funny any further than the headline by itself did.

So here's some headlines:

"Local Man Wears Pajamas, Fuzzy Bear Slippers to Wal-Mart"
"Local Man Has Orange Hair When Meeting Wife's Parents for First Time"
"Local Couple Drives Through McDonalds for Cokes, Fries Between Their Wedding, Reception"

Etc. Worth a chuckle or two, but expanding the stories into 500 words doesn't do them any favors.

Dale

Edited by M. Dale Prins, 24 September 2009 - 12:37 PM.