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Too good to be true

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Posted (edited) · Report post

From the Things Kids Say thread:

Hm. Even PTCs forum ninja skillz can't wrestle up some 5DG snippets? I honestly don't remember that thread.

It's probably findable on Archive.org, and it's possible our departed overlord has backups somewheres, but I don't think he'd care to dig for them.

It was brilliant, freaking brilliant, a banter-fest morphing into a piece of performance art crossed with that famous tandem story by Rebeca and Gary (of which there are lots of redactions online, mostly adding obscenities and/or favoring Gary or Rebecca; the link above is, by my Redaktiongeschichte, the most original and funniest version), with Dale and I each one-upping each other in our war over the urban/rural ratio of New Jersey, then finally directly co-opting one another's identities in completely different ways.

It is one of the most perfect things that has ever happened to me.

And here is another.

Bear with me. I must first introduce you to my friend N. This is worth it, I promise.

To get an idea of N, start with See-Threepio. Thin, polite, veddy proper, clipped Oxonian accent (mother English, father Irish), a little fastidious, nervous laugh. Smart, knowledgeable, a bottomless pit of information (reference librarian). Anglican convert to Catholicism; an important person in my and Suz's assimilation to the Church.

That's a bit of a caricature, but it'll do for the story.

One day N was driving with a friend near our apartment in Philadelphia, and they decided to stop by. He hadn't called, and we didn't know he was coming, but of course we wouldn't have minded the imposition -- and he knew that, but even so he felt a bit awkward about arriving uninvited and unannounced at a friend's house, and all the more with a friend in tow.

As the two of them came up the walk to our apartment door, N's discomfort increased. As it happens, N's extended family includes Jehovah's Witnesses, and the picture of the two of them approaching our unsuspecting door apparently seemed to him an uncomfortably similar picture to a pair of JWs cold-calling on the neighbors.

So, when I opened the door, N decided to defuse the perceived tension with a joke, and said brightly,

"Hi! We're from your local Kingdom Hall, and we'd like to talk to you about living forever in paradise on earth!"

I cannot describe to you the surreal, world-shattering effect this speech had on me. For a moment, I simply didn't know what to think. Obviously I knew N hadn't left the Church to join the J-Dubs, but beyond that I was simply paralyzed by cognitive dissonance.

He wouldn't -- he of all people. And anyway, he couldn't -- the slider shades were drawn; the living room wasn't visible from the walk. Why...? How...?

And then it slowly dawned on me that it was merely an accident, and all I could get out was,

"Don't. Joke."

And then I turned around, sat back down,

and

went back to the conversation I was having with the two Jehovah's Witnesses on my living room couch.

N and his friend stood at the door in utter silence, as motionless as Swiss Guards. As the J-Dubs rose to leave, there was hand-shaking at the door between our two groups of guests; one of the J-Dubs even made a joke about always being glad to meet someone from another Kingdom Hall, while N smiled robotically and laughed his nervous laugh.

The moment the door was closed he collapsed on the floor with a wail of abject abasement.

I swear I am not making this up.

Edited by SDG

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Posted · Report post

That, that is The Greatest Story Ever Told.

Dale

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Posted · Report post

:monalisa:

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Posted · Report post

That is one of the funniest things I have read in years.

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This is a real story. It's not as funny as the previous story, but it is completely true.

This happened to my brother - Dave.

It was his first or second year of college. He was planning on meeting a few of his friends at a local theater. He had very little money ($2) and was hoping that he could borrow a few bucks from one of his friends. Unfortunately, when he arrived, everyone had already gone inside. So, he turned around and went back to his car.

The car was parked a little ways away and the parking lot wasn

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Posted (edited) · Report post

That story was not quite as awesome as Steve's, but still very awesome.

I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blas

Edited by M. Dale Prins

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Posted · Report post

I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blas

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Posted · Report post

Phil, great story.

I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blas

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Posted · Report post

Another great story! I can't believe you pulled that off.

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Posted · Report post

Brilliant, SDG!

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Posted (edited) · Report post

I would join in, but despite having a fair degree of what they call "the book smarts," I am the world's worst storyteller, so even if I had a good yarn, it'd be blas
Edited by M. Dale Prins

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Mr. Prins, what you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent post were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this forum is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Just kidding. That was very funny. I was stuck between belief and incredulity for most of it but the "throwing knives" part just sealed the deal for me. Awesome!

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Posted · Report post

: Six years later, I married her.

That last line is very Ebertian

Great story though.

Matt

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This happened today.

I'm running a cash register these days, no responsibility, not much stress (I'm overloaded with both at church, so this is perfect). I run the busiest line right close to the Service Desk. A heavily dressed woman comes through my line with a head covering and an accent (some Fall so far, humidity is so bad you feel like you are swimming through the lot to your car, 75 to 85 Fahrenheit). Basically, her outfit screams real conservative Moslem. Women like this do not interact with men above minimal necessity despite my constant attempts to make them feel welcome.

I ask if she has a "Kroger Card" when she suggests that a particular item is on sale for a REAL good price (my term for this story). She says 'No' and I tell her that is how she gets the good price. She wants one but I'm out of applications, so I shout over the mere 15 feet to the Desk, "May I have a Kroger Card application? This poor woman is without one!" My customer starts to giggle and in heavily accented English shouts out, "Yes! Poor woman. So, so sad." and gestures tears running down her cheeks as she laughs.

WOW! First time. Ever. And I talk up everybody and anybody. Always have at Kroger.

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Mr. Prins, what you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent post were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this forum is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Thank you so much for asking God to give me mercy! I love God's mercy!

I was stuck between belief and incredulity for most of it but the "throwing knives" part just sealed the deal for me. Awesome!

I was actually wondering if anyone would "understand" it, although I figured the last parenthetical would be a dead giveaway. ("Mushroom hat? Mushroom hat??? Ooooooohhhh!")

Dale

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I once beat up a car wash. I kid you not, true story. I beat the crap out of that car wash. I know some of you know this is true. Others can ask my wife if you don't believe me. It was years ago, but it is true I swear.

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Poor, poor innocent car wash. All it ever wanted to do was clean.

Dale

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Hey, Dale, I didn't know you were a Mario brother.

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I've been cracking up at Rich's story for the last 18 hours. (Not, you know, continuously or anything.) What a great moment, such an unexpected connection.

Dale: I take back all the nice things I said about you in, but not limited to, this thread. (But thanks to metalfoot for the interpretive key.)

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Posted (edited) · Report post

I tried, Steve. I really did. But the problem is that everything I think of is like an article for The Onion where you see the headline and you laugh and laugh and laugh and then you read the rest of the story and you're like, huh, that really didn't bring the funny any further than the headline by itself did.

So here's some headlines:

"Local Man Wears Pajamas, Fuzzy Bear Slippers to Wal-Mart"

"Local Man Has Orange Hair When Meeting Wife's Parents for First Time"

"Local Couple Drives Through McDonalds for Cokes, Fries Between Their Wedding, Reception"

Etc. Worth a chuckle or two, but expanding the stories into 500 words doesn't do them any favors.

Dale

Edited by M. Dale Prins

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So this weekend we had some of my relatives over for Sunday dinner: my uncle, aunt and a pair of cousins. My cousins are both younger, and one of them was recalling my contribution to a game they used to play as children, based on quoting lines from The Princess Bride.

"When we told you about the game," she told me, "you came up with a new strategy that made it much harder."

I had no memory of this, so she went on: "The game was that one of us would quote a line from The Princess Bride, and the other players had to think of the next line in the movie. You changed the whole game by telling us that the best way to stump other players was to try to think of the last line in a scene. Instead of using lines that set up other lines, you forced us to think about what scene came after another and how the next scene began."

And then, only fully realizing in mid-sentence just how delicious a moment it was, I interjected, with a touch of Andre the Giant inflection, "My way's not very sportsmanlike."

Edited by SDG

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Posted · Report post

So this weekend we had some of my relatives over for Sunday dinner: my uncle, aunt and a pair of cousins. My cousins are both younger, and one of them was recalling my contribution to a game they used to play as children, based on quoting lines from The Princess Bride.

"When we told you about the game," she told me, "you came up with a new strategy that made it much harder."

I had no memory of this, so she went on: "The game was that one of us would quote a line from The Princess Bride, and the other players had to think of the next line in the movie. You changed the whole game by telling us that the best way to stump other players was to try to think of the last line in a scene. Instead of using lines that set up other lines, you forced us to think about what scene came after another and how the next scene began."

And then, only fully realizing in mid-sentence just how delicious a moment it was, I interjected, with a touch of Andre the Giant inflection, "My way's not very sportsmanlike."

Brilliant!

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