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About the only religious joke I know might offend some sensibilities here (in fact, most jokes I know fall into this category) so I offer up the following:

Knock knock

Who's there

Euripedes

Euripedes who

Euripedes trousers you pay for these trousers

*big belly laugh*

Sorry sad.gif I know worse ones.

gigi, it's Euripedes trousers, Eumenedes trousers.

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Keep it clean...yeah, right! biggrin.gif

Here's one from "The Door Magazine"

Top 10 Ways The Amish Like To Party Like It's 1699

10. Wet bonnet contest.

9. Chug maple syrup until you blow chunks.

8. Cram as many dudes as you can find into a buggy.

7. Buttermilk kegger.

6. Burn past the square dance on a seriously rad Clydesdale.

5. Sleep until 6 a.m.

4. Churn butter in the nude.

3. Consort with the witches off of the cover of a discarded "Which Witch?" game.

2. Squeeze cats to make the "wicky-wicky" sound like rap DJs.

1. Burn Thomas Edison in effigy.

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As I understand it, Cardinal Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice to be the next Pope. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.

They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader

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SZPT   

groooooaaaaaan. Way too elaborate a set-up for so little pay-off.

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Tonight while shoping at Ralphs, I was pushing the cart, and picked up a bag of prepackaged Krispy Kreme product. I took the bag to my wife and told her I could use these at church if I were preaching about Joseph (ben Jacob). Then I could talk about his coat of

Mini cruellers

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groooooaaaaaan. Way too elaborate a set-up for so little pay-off.

That groan is sweet music to my ears.

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My mom was checking out at the grocery store and the clerk asked her if she wanted paper or plastic. She responded, "Either one--I'm bisacktual."

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Then I could talk about his coat of

Mini cruellers

Well, it could have been worse. He might, for example, have been a postal worker, fighting off attacking Vikings in his coat of mail.

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Jeff   

The Catholics out there might appreciate this one...

One day, Jesus was preaching to the crowds when a sinful woman was brought before him. The crowd wanted to stone her, but Jesus said, "Let the one of you without sin cast the first stone."

Then all of a sudden a rock came flying out of the back of the crowd and hit the woman on the head. Jesus looked back there and yelled, "MOM!"

biggrin.gif This was told to my sister by a Nun, I think, so I figured it was okay.

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A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

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Well you know it wasn't bound to last.

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SZPT   

Q: What does a snail riding on the back of a turtle say?

A: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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A baby seal walks (ok, crawls) into a bar. The bartender asks, "what'll you have?" Seal replies, "Oh, I don't care, just as long as it isn't Canadian Club."

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SZPT   
huh.gif

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had

great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked

her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she

replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I

just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25

cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" So the

blonde says, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for

the rest of the game, all the fans kept screaming was: "Get the

quarterback! Get the quarterback! Well, I'm, like...Helloooooo? It's

only 25 cents!"

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Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

A: The position of the dirt bag OR you can only fit one dirtbag on a vacuum cleaner

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Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey Rene, how about a beer?"

Descartes mulls the offer for a moment, says, "I don't think so" and disappears.

pinch.gif

That would be "I think not..." and THEN he disapears laugh.gif

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finnegan   

I can hear crickets chirping after I read every punchline...

Here's one for you Guinness aficionados...

It's Oktoberfest, and representatives from all the major beer companies from around the world are in Munich. Three beer company CEOs go to a pub for a chat: one from Budweiser, one from Coors, and one from Guinness. The bartender asks them what they want to drink.

The CEO of Coors says, "I'll have the only beer that's brewed with water from the Rocky Mountians--give me a Coors."

The CEO of Budweiser says, "I'll have the king of all beers--make mine a Bud."

The bartender looks to the CEO of Guinness. The old Irishman thinks about it for a moment. Then with a thick Irish brogue, he says, "I think I'll just have a Diet Coke."

The other two CEOs are surprised. They say. "Diet Coke? Aren't you going to have a Guinness?"

The Irishman replies, "Well, I was. But then I saw that you lads weren't having beer and I thought I shouldn't either."

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